I'm Worth It!

By Dr. Jamila PamojaThomas

 I’m worth it! I met a guy in passing at the grocery store, and he was on the phone and asked me moments later why I was not speaking to him. I turned around, unaware of who he was talking to, only attentively seeing his AirPods, and continued.

I focused to gather groceries, and he then gained closer to me. This man had eye contact, and I realized he was attempting to engage me. He asked me to take his number and call him.

I immediately stopped him, notifying him I do not pursue men.

This man was offended and unaware of what is meant by pursuing a woman.

His actions mainly presented his opinion I’m not worth pursuing. Because he wanted me to call him. Even after he flagged me down to alert me, he admired me but not enough to contact me.

In return, I am grateful for time not lost. I’ve benefited from not extending time to one not deserving and accessing one that is deserving.

Another guy attempted to gain my attention, and I enjoyed our conversation so much that when he asked me to continue talking to him, I agreed. He asked me to take his number, and I immediately told him I don’t pursue men, but you can take my number. Before parting, he asked me if I would at least give him several dates with him. I smiled and said call me.

He was excited, and he called the next morning. We chatted a bit. I enjoyed our conversation. Two days later, he called again. I took his phone call, and we had a friendly conversation. The next time I heard from him, it was closer to a week later. He sounded offended and alerted me I had not called him. I reminded him I was forward in stating I do not pursue men. He said so you don’t call men. I informed him if we conclude and I tell you I will call you back, yes, I will; however, if the goal is for you to accomplish gaining my acceptance for one of the several dates you asked of me the day we met, it’s not highly I am calling.

I’m not initiating anything for a man to take me out for dinner or coffee. Dating is significant to me; therefore, I date myself regularly. I’m magnificent at dating myself. So to consider another to take me out is not an easy exchange. I prefer courtship over dating because I am excellent in the dating department.

When a man pursues a woman, it’s a timeframe to consider if she will exchange her time and energy with another. This exchange is sharing something of her that is most valuable. Her being is incalculable, so it is wise not to share your time and energy with anyone without knowing if the other deserves you.

The time spent during the pursuit is how a woman determines if the man is worthy if he has earned such a momentous occasion with you.

For instance, if you have recently exited a lousy relationship and are in the process of leaving a divorce, a person pursuing you will quickly show you their level of respect for you as a human and their relation towards themselves. This can be noticed by several factors:

If the guy attempts to quickly give you a title as you made him aware you’re getting a divorce, he’s displaying a lack of respect for the hardship you are experiencing.

He is also displaying a lack of discipline. He intends to shift you into a vulnerable feminine state so that you perform as if in a relationship.

This fits the category of not respecting you as a human and him being more self-focused on his intentions.

Suppose a guy is attentive and sympathetic towards you going through a divorce while reframing from pursuing an intimate relationship with you during a divorce. In that case, he’s displaying he respects you as a human.

He also showcases a high level of respect for himself and his relationships. The male unwilling to pursue you at this intersection knows how you enter a relationship is significant. Exiting a bad breakup or divorce means healing is required. Jumping from one relationship to the next interferes with proper healing. This man shows he cares about your emotional health.

If you want to see a difference in the guy, ask him to watch a football or basketball game and see how he responds to the injured top player. If he is eager for them to stay in the game rather than on the sidelines and heal, he’s showing you how important a person is to be whole and healthy while performing on the field. In return, this points to his character towards you being a healthy person in what he suggests he desires with you.

If this man makes you aware that he’s interested in you and keeps in contact with you from a distance, he is alerting you; he’s willing to wait for you to resolve your differences from the other situation without causing you interference on his part. He’s showcasing he is disciplined. He is displaying his awareness of your value in having you in his life.

This man intends not to drain your energy but to add to you.

However, be attentive to how the person keeps in contact with you. For example, some men stay in touch with you as an opportunist with the intention of just sex. There are ways to identify that, but it requires a more in-depth analysis.

Moreover, be careful of the red flags, which are vivid during the pursuit. Why is it essential to allow a gentleman to pursue you rather than a woman to pursue the man? If a man wants you, he will pursue you.

Giving a man space to pursue you means you do not chase him. This is his observation process of consideration, similar to looking over a resume. Not all applicants are qualified to make the interview, and not all contenders are eligible to share your time and energy on a date.

A man pursuing a woman confirms he wants her. His pursuit lays out how goal-oriented he is and how disciplined he is to remain focused on achieving his efforts to catch what he considers highly valuable.

A man who desires to be pursued displays that he wants attention, to boost his ego, and to feel needed. If your intention as a woman is to look after a man, he willingly accepts you chasing him. He appreciates you discounting yourself for him to afford your time and energy.

A man pursuing a woman is excited about the chase as it releases feel-good hormones. It’s not unusual for men to be goal oriented. If you are an elusive goal, this is more of a thrill and aspiring to be highly motivated and goal-oriented.

I am aware of what I deserve. I take myself out regularly and love the company of myself. For me to consider a person to take me out requires the gentleman to earn to experience such a moment with me. I’m not an easy pick. I’m worth being pursued, and the man not willing to pursue me graciously moves out of the way for the King who will.

This is the mind frame you must attain prior to considering being with another after a bad relationship and or exiting a divorce. Know how to be the best person, friend, and lover to yourself. It is your responsibility to be in charge of your happiness. Knowing you are worth it requires learning how to be happy and love yourself. Instead of accepting a coffee date or dinner date with a guy simply because he asked, ask yourself if he has earned being in your presence. If not, take yourself out for coffee and buy your own flowers. You are worth it!

Victory

 By Dr. Jamila PamojaThomas

In college, I walked out in the middle of an exam because I got a page notifying me my grandmother was about to die. I made an F, proudly.

I was told I could appeal to remove it, but I saw it as a victory because I saw my grandmother live beyond the 24 hours, beyond the 6 months they expected she would live. 

In my final year of college, I was pregnant with my daughter and fired from the newspaper. I was an investigative reporter. The day I told my publisher I was pregnant, he wrote me a letter telling me I was handicapped and couldn't continue my responsibilities. I was devastated for a while because writing has always been my passion, my life dream, and so was conceiving a baby. I was told I'd never have a baby, so l saw becoming pregnant victorious! 

Upon giving birth, my blood pressure increased. It was over 72 hours, and my body would not dilate; my water had broken, but my body would not transition to vaginal delivery.

Placental abruption was in motion, and an emergency cesarean birth occurred. I almost died but told the doctor to choose my daughter's life over mine, for I saw it as victory to give life. This went on another three times, and the risk of giving birth increased with each pregnancy. Each time I'd decided to save the baby over my life. Each pregnancy was opening the incision from my first life-threatening surgery from whence I was a child, understanding I'd never have a child. This scar has always been victorious for me!

In 2018, my mother died while I was in the middle of the beginning stages of my dissertation. I failed in my studies, and hesitating to mourn my mother was a pain I couldn't shake. Nevertheless, I pushed myself the next term, remembering the last thing my mother called me was Dr. I appealed to be back in school and was allowed but on probation. I still had an F on my transcript, but it was an F; I embraced it proudly! 

By 2019, I was still on shaky grounds pushing myself to complete college; at the end of the year, I was trying to complete the dissertation, and as the new year approached, I learned I was going through a divorce while the world was going through a pandemic. This was a huge challenge, yet I persevered completing my degree and leading my class in the auditorium to become announce Dr. Jamila PamojaThomas officially! This will always be a victory moment in my life!

 Seeing myself as I was married is similar to being prematurely born. Yet, it wasn't a marriage, for I'd been in God's incubator! 

Seeing myself as divorced is being released from the incubator and trusted to finally grow and develop as I was initially designed. I am victorious, surviving the tunnels of darkness, living through every scar, and being courageous enough to take on the setup. Walking into my transformation has been painful but isn't every birth painful. The pain was necessary to push, sharpen, and show my true potential. Without such pain, I would not have met this version of myself. My divorce is a blessing because I'm here, I've survived victoriously, and each scar I earned tells my story of victory! 

Moving Forward to Meet Me

By Dr. J. Bliss

My biggest mistake was being fair and expecting the law to enforce what is fair. Leaving my ‘ex’ample of what not to do,’ included the false notion that we were being amicable. 

I have not felt married for the past four years ( two months ago, he professed it was a year). 

I have not been supportive of you and your dreams, and every time you elevate, I get in your way. He even recalled an example, following up with the kids will go with you. 

Concluding, There's no need to get attorneys involved. I'll show you the finances, and I'll help you move. 

When I left, it was because two people agreed to go their separate ways. Verbally agreeing. Only to learn fairness was never the grounds for the exit, from my ‘ex’ample of what not to do.’ He told me what was necessary to move me and discard me after attaining all he wanted of me. 

Am I mad? No? Did I cry? No. The reward is great. In boxing, sometimes you must take a few punches to prepare for the final knockout round. 

Why not be mad? I have been blessed existing a relationship consisting of a stuntman disguised as a husband. This was a painful experience, but so is exercising. Getting fit requires pain. This was part of the curriculum to push, motivate, and drive me to meet my higher self. I had to learn while I operate in one mannerism, it does not mean because a person says they love you, they have your best interest in mind. I had to connect the dots that this was my fight for myself. It's higher than any man; this fight I was in had been spiritual. There's no need to be mad when it's spiritual. It's to be understood; knowing is the only way to understand. It requires an internal search. Each thing revealed to me about my past, learning my life was a lie, was meant to erupt and disrupt everything inside me. Mad, no, I am beyond fortunate and blessed to meet me.

Why not cry? Learning your life is a lie places you in a state of shock. There's no room for tears when something is counterfeit. I cried and still have moments I cry from mourning my mother. Had her death not occurred prior, I would not have known the difference between unconditional love and its worthiness to mourn. I would not have known my true strength. My reality of learning I was not married has blessed me to understand what I experienced was a lesson.

There were many hits taken from my ‘ex’ample of what not to do,’ plenty of jabs inflicted upon the puppetry of the children, and the ultimate lesson was learning this is designed to take you out. Why is something created to take you out? When you have such a high calling in your life, everything attempts to take you out to stop you from BECOMING. 

This is why knowledge is critical to understanding. Knowing this allows a new prescription to be filled, granting access to the patterns designed to hinder your journey to BECOMING. 

It's no secret everything I pursued to accentuate my gifts and talents was met with a slap in the face, a rejection just as I was elevating. I kept praying to find my way in life and lead me to my purpose. My soul includes my gift, and I was positioned to fight for it because it was under attack. Writing is my gift, and I learned to not divorce myself to secure my talent. Let's examine to bring forth not my life yet the lessons. 

When I was met with my ‘ex’ample of what not to do,’ saying I haven't felt married for years, and I made him feel less than a man. I returned with 

Let's go to therapy. His response was, No.

Let's get a separation. His response was, No.

I was focused on saving the marriage while mourning my mother. I was on probation for failing due to mourning my mother's death. There was no room to ask my professors if I could take a break now because my marriage was on the rocks. I was in the corner being hit and tested at the same time. Would I choose myself or the situation draining the life out of me?

On that day, I partially chose me agreeing to a separation. Anticipating the marriage would survive. I was not seeing I needed to choose me. 

Two months later, I learned it was 4 years, and the person I was with didn't feel married, which implies not feeling married means you don't think like a married person. You make decisions based on your mentality as a single person. I didn't have time to go back and forth. My dissertation is to be complete; I'm mourning my mother; I have responsibilities as a mother, the world was going through a pandemic, and I still thought we'd go through a separation and all would be well.

Moving out of the house forced me to face the reality of going through a divorce. This is where I met myself. I'd lost myself and my dreams in my marriage. I thought not seeing my children every day was the end for me, and I learned to radically accept their decision and grant them time to have a closer relationship with their father. Moreover, I was not in tryouts, so competing is no requirement. I'm the grand entrance of their path to this world. Why compete with a position I already have? However, I did have to learn to not see them every day. This lesson taught me I'm more than a mother. 

The fight has always been spiritual, and it's about aligning with your purpose to fulfill the dreams destined to be. I was completing a dissertation, elevating on the path of enhancing my authorship endeavors combined with completing my final degree. Each of these accomplishments had to do with my writing. 

My ‘ex’ample of what not to do,’ has taught me many lessons. I believe once a person gets beyond the hurt of someone's actions and see the gift in the No, sees the gift in the concluding courses of those life lessons, just as an individual celebrates the conclusion on completing courses attaining a degree, it's safe to say a shift to the next level is in place. Greeting this knowledge is the knockout. 

 In moving forward, meeting my true self is the greatest reward. Moving forward requires letting go of the past pain, but what many leave out (especially after a divorce) is moving forward from your past identity to meet your higher self. Letting go of the past encompasses letting go of the old identity, for your old self doesn't have to assess to your new level. 

Cheers to Living, All One

 By Dr. J. Bliss

A great friend asked me something my family has asked me, the one question most ask after a divorce. Are you dating? 

My dad asked a week prior, and I told him no.

He looks at me and says well, you don’t have to be offended. My forehead wrinkled, and I proudly professed I'm not.

Then my dad pressed the inquiry why not.

I asked him why should I exchange what I do a magnificent job doing for another. I’m not interested in dating, I don’t pursue men, and when I speak with guys after telling me I’m beautiful, they freeze. It’s like cotton balls swell in their throat and are attacked by pollen. Laughter spread across the room.

So when my friend asked, I laughed and said I am dating myself. He encouraged me to date because I’d gone through so much. I deserved to go to a bar and let a guy wine and dine me with no strings attached. I laughed and said they would not know how to communicate and ruin the experience. He later suggested I try an online dating app. 

I laughed again, telling him I don’t like online dating. He laughed and said to think of it as Uber or Lyft.

I laughed and said yeah, that won’t work. I don’t like Uber or Lyft. I concluded, saying perhaps it’s my season to be single. Despite what some might think, I’m not alone, yet all one.

Dating is not interesting to me. I’m great with dating myself. I’ll consider courtship but not dating. To date a guy, it’s like a sport courtship is intentional.

I enjoy being single because I never disappoint myself on my self dates.

Being single grants me the opportunity to focus on myself. 

I have more options for discovering my direction and can focus on pursuing my aspirations without judgment. 

Welcoming singleness has given me access to what was once a desire…exercising. As a result, I can be more active and focus on the nutritious meals catered to me. 

Saying I Do to me means, I celebrate each aspiration I pursue. No one telling me what I hold valuable to my heart is not working for the family. So I’m free to work towards my goals and feel more fulfilled walking in the future.

Since I have embraced my single life, my creativity has been off the charts. Having more time gives me the space to be more creative and think deeper.

My schedule is mine! I’m not checking in with anyone to confirm if my interest interferes with there’s. I own my itinerary, and it’s incredibly liberating!

Overall, my acceptance of myself is fabulous. I’m not waiting to be with a person I am living to live. If I meet someone worthy of sharing my life with, I’m not settling. I know exactly what I want and deserve. Cheers to living!