By Dr. J. Bliss
Kristen Cavallari was recently interviewed about her divorce and many transitions in life. She said, "The scariest thing I have ever done was get a divorce, but it was the best thing I've ever done." Immediately this resonated with me, and I can attest it was the healthiest thing for me spiritually, mentally, and physically.
Moreover, Cavallari shared how she reflected on her changes. "At the end of the day, everything works out…Looking back, you think the world will fall apart, but from this position, you start seeing why everything went in the direction it did."
Her statement drew upon my reflection on my divorce. I'm grateful to God for the exit from all the deceit and illegal things that did not become visible to me until the divorce. Divorce is the absolute best thing and healthy thing for me in my life.
Cavallari mentioned life is a building block, and everything we experience prepares us for what we will go through.
I wholeheartedly agree with that statement. Having experienced the death of my mother first and then the death in the marriage equipped me in a multi-facet of ways. Because, at times, it seemed simultaneously unclear what I was mourning. I recognized the illegal disclosures would slap me in the fight for my life mode while drawing strength from my mother's transition. I thought I was divorcing solely because of incompatibility. My mother and I discussed so much about me pursuing my dreams as a writer. When I chose myself, it was as if I was choosing my mother's life dream of desiring to be the romance writer, she wanted yet didn't pursue because of the politics of being a schoolteacher. Yet, I learned that eighteen years of my life were a lie. I was with a stunt man and didn't learn his true self until the divorce. Having experienced my mother's death gave me strength. I also shared my aunt's death; she was like a second mother to me. Their spirit empowered me to not give up on my dreams and to look at the illegal things that came to my forefront as confirmation of why destiny got in the way.
Indie Arie, one of my favorites, most underrated artists, has a song entitled Good Mourning. I'd listen to this song, numb, thinking about my mother's death, and when the divorce happened, it was like a crossing of wires. This song helped me sort out emotions to start setting my pain from my mother here and the reflection of the divorce over there. A significant line in the song is
Good mourning to the fact we're not husband and wife. We made a promise to stay, but destiny got in the way.
My God, those two stanzas explain it all! I could shout good mourning to a good morning with so much confidence and strength because now it was clear. I was broken, but I must say I was gracefully broken. We should have never married, and to fight to stay with him would be my death. I was now fighting to not divorce myself, and I am grateful for the strength I gained from the death of my mother and my aunt to exit the death of the marriage and fight the divorcing process of self. Today I'm optimistic, I've overcome depression, death, and divorce, and for once in my life, I unconditionally love myself. I'm married to my dreams. The building of my foundation, abandoned during the past twenty years of my life, is activated!
Cavallari mentioned she didn't know how to love herself fully, and she realized that everything she does impacts them (her children); she wanted them to see her making good decisions for themselves and them. So, she said, "putting myself first for them" was her inspiration.
This was absolutely another candid moment for me. My kids had seen me sleeping on the couch for several months, and while the friction in the marriage was unsaid, they could see it. I opted not to disclose what was going on between their parents and my children because it wasn't their business. Their role as a child with a parent wasn't changing. However, the dynamics of their parent's relationship as husband and wife were changing. As a child from a divorced family, I understood it would impact them, but by no means was I willing to turn them against their parents in my actions and decisions. I made decisions considering if my daughter told me my scenario was her situation, what would I tell her? If my son said my challenges were his challenges in his relationship, how would I give him advice? My children are people I love unconditionally. Being a great mother is my success and learning to love unconditionally is something I learned by loving my children. This positioned me to know I can love myself unconditionally while mothering myself to make it through this breakup to break down old cycles preventing me from being my authentic self.
I continued listening to the interview and reflected on how empowering this interview was for me. Laughing, I remember when I could not watch, read or listen to any topic, including divorce. But not today; this exit is rewarding for my soul. Cavallari asked if she felt guilty putting herself first, not her kids. Her response was, "no, I don't because I can only be as good to my kids as I am to myself. If I'm empty, I have nothing to give them." She recognized being energized and loving on herself allows her to love and support her kids, and that's the most important thing. She said the divorce gave her the jumpstart to love herself and know who she is now. I like her verbiage of it giving her the jumpstart to love herself.
As a homemaker of twenty years, the primary care parent hearing her response is refreshing. My past position of leaving my ex rattled many people. For one, I wouldn't disclose why I was getting a divorce and what they saw was the mother leaving her family. I never felt obligated to tell them because my thoughts are if you know me, know my character, you wouldn't question me. I never left my children. One thing I echoed is that I will not stay where I am not loved and not accepted. I was not going to force my children to leave the house they grew up in because of the turmoil between their parents. So, I don't feel guilty because I did what was healthy for me as a human being. By the same token, I will not stay where I have not been accepted. The growing pain of receiving my children not under my roof was excruciating. Raising my children was my normal, and choosing me, required me to accept myself with the consequences. I'd been living empty for years in the relationship. I felt homeless and didn't know how it felt to feel at home until the divorce. It was vital for me to allow my children to see me healthy, happy, and in love with myself, and my life. This helps me be my better self, and I'm proud I can be the person I am today because I could see I was proud to be their mother, but now I can see I'm proud of being myself as their mother. Those are two different concepts, and the latter is healthy.
Later Cavallari was asked, "What practices helped you in your self-love growth?" She said journaling and her friends were therapeutic, having time to be in nature, breathing, meditation, and taking care of herself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Then, take time to reflect, learn lessons, and close that chapter to move on and date. She didn't go to therapy, yet she had been in therapy most of her life.
At once, the response about her moving resonated with me. Moving was a two-part box of emotions. One I thought me moving for years was with my family. To plan years to proceed with your family and that's no longer an option is heartbreaking. Two, I love the fact that I moved. My home is the most serene place engulfed with nature. This aspect made the concepts I learned to manage my emotions extremely beneficial. Her not having a therapist-I found this interesting because I wouldn't be where I am without therapy. But I get Cavallari; having had therapy for years, she was aware of practices to manage her emotions. I was not.
I initially started with a life coach. That came into play seeing a woman I knew her spouse died, and I saw her progress while I was drowning, trying to figure out how to mourn on my own. I sought a life coach and saw tremendous improvement in myself. Yet, by the time I went through the divorce, my aunt had died. So many past triggers were exploding inside of me. Not long after her death, I started looking into getting a therapist and it took time because my finances were not there, but I needed the therapist to help me unpack my past. The life coach helped me see the importance of loving myself and experiencing my mother's death in a new way spiritually.
I'm most grateful because those lessons he taught me still resonate with me today. He's like my soul hero because I learned to love myself to the core with his help. My therapist provided me with tools to unpack my trauma. Still, because of learning my life had been a lie, my mind couldn't process the emotions as fast as I kept becoming aware of the misconduct on his part. My mind kept replaying I shared my life, my heart, and put all my trust in a person that did me harm while I willingly chose to love and have children with this person. It was ripping my insides and made it unclear to make decisions. I was hospitalized. It took so much work to get me back to life. But I'm grateful for everything. My psychiatrist and the teamwork of my therapist pushed me to a level of my better self. As the life coach emphasized, they taught me techniques to manage my emotions, which would direct me back to loving myself. All the pain has shown me how powerful I am. Through death, I've learned to keep moving forward and love myself harder. Through the divorce I have learned to listen to my intuition. I've learned the significance of valuing my dreams and seeing them through. I've learned how powerful it is to love myself. I've learned what it means to be in an emotionless relationship. I've learned what it means to be with someone that doesn't think of you as an equal. I've learned that talking about finances and being included in the decision-making of finances is a requirement for partnership. Moving forward, I am the only person with the right to utilize my credit, name, and identity to build my future. This lesson is huge for me. I hadn't been a financial provider, which was what I became after leaving my past relationship. I learned so much about the finances I didn't know about, and I know there is more I still did not become aware of. Still, I am grateful because now I'm privileged of all my financial concerns, and I can make decisions responsibly for my best interest at all times.
During the divorce, my circle eventually became a triangle. Yet, I am grateful for the blessings of those who came and left, those who remained enduring my mess with me, and the new faces and friendships I have developed. I prefer to call them my soul family. They have been instrumental in reaching my soul, resuscitating me to life. Every one of these people, in some form of fashion, helped escort me to meet myself and be my better self-living.
Going through a divorce was the most courageous thing, most life-changing thing for me, I ever could have done. This was an act in which every decision required me to fully show up to make a decision in my best self-interest. My life coach told me I was exceptional during one of our sessions, and my psychiatrist and therapist told me I was one of the strongest people they had met who challenged them. Each one said it with pride as if it was an honor, and each day I look in the mirror knowing I met me, I cannot help but have a proper understanding of my essence. I'm the most fantastic person I know, and I'm proud of myself and most proud I chose myself because it is the healthiest thing I ever could have done.
Recently, I launched my New Lease on Life Movement! I am on a mission to encourage the next, to avoid the pain I've already gone through. This movement is dear to me to help empower and motivate the next to be victorious, prevent mishaps, and press forward. I aspire to create a safe space to talk and give information, support, and resources to assist the next person with a transition in life. I hope to help the person fight to find themselves, relinquish the toxic relationship, and fight through a divorce.
Relationships don't always have to end yet divorcing yourself to gain acceptance is unacceptable.
Inquire about registering to learn to be healthy with self, heal, and accept new love if you decide.
Click to hear the full podcast of Kristin Cavallari
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