I Belong Nowhere; I Belong to Me

 By: Dr. J. Bliss 

He got exactly what he wanted; well played, and I got my freedom. Fear is not my future. Hooray! I belong nowhere.

In Divorce, there are no winners, only lessons to be learned. As a result, my past few years have consisted of me financially investing in myself.

Most of my life comprised of me not belonging. As a child, I felt I didn't belong. I married young, and throughout my marriage, I thought I didn't belong; I always felt judged. I'd ask if I was loved daily, but I knew I was judged. During this time, I was fighting mentally. Will you stand alone when needed? I belong nowhere.

After learning I was in a loveless relationship and realizing for over 20 years, I was betraying myself: I focused on how to love myself to never give such power to anyone else. It's not that I'm opposed to someone loving me. I learned that expecting someone to love me as I love is a fairytale and I operated in survival mode because I continuously found evidence I was with someone who didn't love me and I didn't belong. However, I am responsible for loving myself, and it requires me to understand how to love myself, respect, value, trust, and cherish myself. These are values not associated with another person. It's on the inside of me; it's my bravery. I belong nowhere.

My freedom to be myself unapologetically was the most expensive gift I have given to myself. I borrowed money from people, institutions, and assets. It was well over 90 thousand dollars, and it was worth it.

Why was it worth it… it is what's right for me. Fighting for peace, love, joy, strength. I was fighting for myself, my dreams, and my aspirations which consist of more than being a wife and mother. Now do I believe a person can be all? Absolutely. Yet, it requires having a supportive relationship with another to value all your goals and respect you as you achieve them. It's non-negotiable to negotiate who I am; that's a solid no.

I'm clear on who I am. Agreements, contracts, topics, and even directions- I will negotiate. I belong nowhere.

My success during the past venture included me investing in securing the dreams of a man from a small country town striving to be. My sacrifices assured him five degrees and a career making 200 thousand dollars. We had four beautiful children. My daughter, whom I was fired from announcing her birth at work and almost died on the table giving birth to, and my three sons, I risked my life to enter this world. I sacrificed holding off my dreams to secure them all. Was it selfless?

After 20 years, the tables turned, and I needed to invest in myself. This was a shift in the family because I was looked down on as the person who was there for them; how dare I want to focus on myself? How selfish of me to take steps towards my aspirations.

But I did, and I learned sacrificing myself cost me the ultimate betrayal. I was betraying my mental health and denying myself to be myself because to be married to my previous spouse meant I could not be myself. I belong nowhere.

When I left the marriage, I left the house taking nothing. I left, fighting to be me. Now I learned much more about things I was blind to in the relationship, but my ultimate battle was to gain the freedom to be myself unapologetically. Death is not the end. I belong nowhere; I belong to me.

Now I totally comprehend the dearest poet Maya Angelou,

"You are only free when you realize you belong no place—you belong every place—no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great."

It most absolutely is! Negotiating who I am is non-negotiable, for I'm trying to fit in at the cost of betraying belonging to myself. Hello to my peace, my joy, my love, my strength! Hello. I belong nowhere, I belong everywhere, I belong everyplace-I belong to me! 

My Ex'ample of What Not to Do, Taught Me

 

Wendy Williams shared she couldn't call her parents and sister when she was going through uncovering secrets about her spouse at the time.

She said all they would tell her is to leave, just leave.

She went on to say, "How I'm still in love. I don't know what to do. Like, are you serious? Is this really going down?"

Wendy Williams was in a state of trauma. She was freezing in a traumatic environment.

Many encounter freezing and are unclear about making decisions in toxic environments exchanging their mental health as a currency.

It took most of my adulthood to learn I lost my mental health trying to love someone who never loved me.

Can you fathom how appreciative I am of learning this lesson? For this, I say I am healthy and divorced. I greet No in life as a gift now, and I am overjoyed!

Moreover, my lesson was to decipher that the currency of being in a relationship costs me my mental health, and trading my mental is not in alignment with my being loyal to myself. Therefore, balancing myself required me to accept and love myself fiercely. I had to go through the darkness to reach the light to truly meet myself.

This is how I gained a healthy state of mental health by stop trying to keep what was not designed for me and my purpose in life in the first place.

Additionally, I learned that when a man presents you as second to his job, trust him and do not try to force him to see you're more valuable or a higher gift to him than possessions.

Can you comprehend how less exhausting it is to compete with a job especially knowing you and your family are why this person's career took off? Now I am not being boastful. My lens is clear- I can see my addition to the life of my future significant other, which is priceless. My very being opens doors one couldn't walk in and feast upon just by mentioning my name. I am priceless and most precious.

My lesson was to master my being is invaluable. If I'm not included in all aspects of the person's life, if my opinion is not considered, this is a bold red sign signifying I'm not being respected and valued.

There is no reason for me to exchange my mental health for keeping anyone in my life and competing to be first. That's not a blessing. It's condemnation.

I also learned I was operating in a relationship without clear boundaries with me set at the level of the least comfortable person based on my comfort of trusting someone entirely with my life.

Without these boundaries, there is a lack of self-care being practiced.

I thought marriage meant I could trust you and learned that a boundless marriage only procreates toxicity.

Do you understand the clarity I gained grasping this? Having boundaries keeps everything in order, and not having boundaries keeps everything everywhere.

If you are with someone who is not reciprocating your energy…let them go

You deserve someone you will receive love from as you give love.

You can only share love when you have love yourself to give. For instance, I can only share food if I have it to share. Otherwise, you're borrowing from a dead place.

If you're with someone that doesn't regard you, they don't respect your boundaries…let them go.

Perhaps, they came into your life when you put yourself on clearance; while you were broken, and you made a permanent decision, placing a band aide on your brokenness existing without boundaries. 

Choose to not betray yourself and love you unconditionally. You're invaluable. You deserve to be whole- healthy, respected, and loved. It is your free will to share your love, yet remember not to sacrifice yourself or your mental health, especially when you have an emotionally empty cubbard. What you experienced were lessons, Ex'amples of what not to do: Remember, you're precious, priceless, and powerful.